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Tuesday, April 8, 2014

My Relationship with Food

So I had a conversation the other day with a friend that made me realize how different my relationship with food is from hers. 

I suppose I've noticed this over the years from many many conversations with different friends because it appears that most are similar.  To be completely blunt and honest, most (and these are female friends by the way) correlate food to "how fat is this going to make me."  They struggle with the concept that food is comforting for them and in return, food will make them uncomfortably tight-waisted.  I have one friend who can simply rattle off foods and their matching calorie counts, which absolutely blows my mind.

My relationship with food is undeniably different.  

I have a love / hate relationship with most all food.

When I think about food, my only consideration is how much pain will this inflict…not how many calories is this, how much will I have to workout to counter-balance this choice, will this make me fat?

I could eat an entire bag of chocolate chips, I have no idea if that's 100 calories or 10,000 and nor do I care… but I do know if they are gluten free.  When I look at an ingredient label, I only look at the ingredients…at this point, after all these years, I couldn't even tell you what's listed above that… I've become completely immune to it.  

Some people find comfort in food… I find it terrifying.  Food is painful for me.  There's nothing scarier than "let's meet for lunch."  Sure… Where are we going to go, how's my stomach going to feel that day, is it going to be weird if I don't eat, maybe I can just eat a little bit, I guess I could cancel my plans after just in case, can't we just get coffee?

I just get exhausted thinking about food.  Maybe it's seasonal, or because I haven't been feeling fantastic lately, or because I haven't been cooking much lately… or maybe I wish I just had to think about calories.

Actually, no.  To some extent, I'm grateful my food decisions aren't related to numbers - that my choices are still about taste, and feeling, and exploration.  But I also wish food was more comforting.

I physically cannot keep pace with other people.  My celiac ridden body just does not enjoy food the way other people do… maybe I'm the only one.  I just don't know.

Why do we have such weird relationships with food?

I'm grateful food is my medicine, my salvation, and that I'm not reliant on drugs and chemicals to feel, to feel healthy… that I have some level of control over how my body will react to what I choose to eat.

But the constant internal food dialog running through my mind is getting old.

Can we talk about something else?

oh wait, this is a food blog.

Always, J